


April Showers

by TuppingLiberty



Series: Organa's Organics [17]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Farm/Ranch, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety Attacks, Because I would never not give this family a happy ending., But also, Domestic Fluff, Happy ending though!, Let's be real., M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-03-03
Packaged: 2018-05-24 11:42:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6152566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TuppingLiberty/pseuds/TuppingLiberty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things are settling down for Poe, Finn and Amelia, but Finn is still feeling the effects of his father's death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	April Showers

**Author's Note:**

> By way of explanation, not apology, I think this was also me working out some personal stuff.

“Higher, Nan!” Amelia called, pumping her legs on the swing with a look of utter delight on her face. Finn looked up from checking his email on his phone and smiled, heart full.  It had been ten weeks since Amelia had joined Finn and Poe, and Finn had to admit that his boss Greg had been right: parenthood was something new, something wonderful every day, every week, every month.  Of course, it was also filled with not-so-wonderful moments.  Like when no one noticed that Amelia had dropped her stuffed Buli while shopping at the grocery store (thank God someone turned it into lost and found), or when she got sick from whatever latest virus was being passed around the daycare (which Finn then got, leaving Poe as the lone family member to soldier on and take care of the other two), or when Poe caught her trying to cut her own hair (so that she now sported a cute  - and professionally cut - bob).  Four year olds were, after all, four year olds, no matter how precious.

And Amelia could be precious, too, in spades. Like right then, when she’d called Anne by her new nickname, Nan, chosen by her because it was shorter and easier to say than Nana Anne.  Similarly, she now called Leia “Nanalay,” said just like that, all one word. Finn fleetingly wondered if he could die of overexposure to cute.

Anne had been pushing Amelia in the swing for almost twenty minutes now, and Finn would have gone to relieve her if she didn’t have a smile on her face as big as Amelia’s.  So he sat, content to watch and see who would tire first. His money was on Amelia. She normally broke before Finn could.

Finn and Poe had decided that, at least for this spring and summer, Saturdays would be Finn’s days. During the week, because of his commute and because he seemed to be only getting busier, Finn left home early and often got home just in time for dinner, pjs, and stories.  Finn felt torn between his work and his family, because he loved them both.  He had confided this concern to Poe one night, and Poe had confessed that driving Amelia to and from daycare was taking more time out of his day than he’d anticipated, and so they’d come up with the idea of Poe working on Saturdays as needed to catch up around the farm and Finn getting to spend more time with his girl.

He felt a raindrop on his cheek, and reconsidered his bet on Amelia.  Looked like the weather would kick them out first.  He braced himself for two disappointed faces, and crossed over to the swings. “Feels like rain, Amelia,” he said. On cue, a pout. Finn pouted back, since Poe had discovered that it almost always worked to break Amelia out of one of her moods. “I know sweet pea, it’s really sad. But remember, the rain makes everything grow, and makes Daddy happy, right?”

“I still want to play with Nan, though.” The swing had slowed to a stop, and Amelia was looking at her dangling feet, pout still in place.

Finn looked at his mom and smiled, pulling Amelia off the swing and setting her on the ground, crouching in front of her. “I bet if you asked nicely, Nan would come over to our house with us and you could play Shoots and Ladders or Candy Land.”

Amelia’s eyes got wide, pout gone. She turned to Anne, grabbing one her grandmother’s hands in both of hers. “Nan, would you come over to our house and play Candy Land? Have you played before? It’s lots of fun because everything is pretty colors and you get to roll dice and count and sometimes I win!”

Anne smiled warmly down at her. “That does sound like a lot of fun.  I’d love to come back with you.” Anne’s smile grew wider as Amelia jumped up and down and started dragging her off toward Finn’s car.

“Come on, Daddy!”

Back at the house, Finn left Anne and Amelia to play Candy Land at the dining table and slipped upstairs to his office to get some work done.  Greg’s hopeful retirement date of June was fast approaching, and Finn wanted to be ready. On top of work for Greg, Finn had agreed to help his mother out by dealing with his father’s estate.  Even with no house to sell, there were still assets and investments to decide whether to keep, and a lake property to sell now that Anne lived in Oregon. Also, his father had left instructions in his will to set up several college savings accounts for Finn’s future children, which was being complicated by the fact that he technically only had one child, and she technically wasn't his - yet. Finn was working with the estate lawyer from Santa Fe, but it was a long and complicated process. He was finishing up a phone call for an immigration case when he realized he'd been in his office for an hour, and should probably check on the girls.

He didn't hear voices when he went downstairs, which quickened his steps. “Mom? Amelia?”

“In here,” he heard Anne call from the front door area.

He turned the corner and found his mom looking at their collection of framed photos. The photo wall was a point of pride for Finn. He felt such delight whenever he could add something new to the wall, because he felt like he was giving the portrait of Shara and Kes Dameron a family so they wouldn't be lonely anymore. Besides Poe’s picture of his parents and him, and the one of the two of them that he'd given Poe two Christmases ago, he'd added an engagement photo of them on their ‘secret’ bench, a wedding photo of them kissing at the altar, and the family photo with Amelia that Elisa had taken of them. For Finn, it was like the picture wall physically represented just how much more love he and Poe now had in their lives.

Anne turned to him and smiled, hastily saying when Finn opened his mouth, “Amelia went down for a nap about ten minutes ago. We didn't want to disturb your work.”

Finn felt guilty at having pawned off Amelia on Anne so he could get work done. Saturday was his day. He shouldn't have been tempted by work. He just wanted to make sure that he was doing the best he could for Greg. He mentally shook himself out of the thought and joined his mom in front of the pictures she was still continuing to admire. She seemed to be centered on the photo of the Dameron family.  She chewed her lip, a habit Finn hadn't realized until that moment that he'd picked up from his mother. “What's wrong, Mom?”

She looked surprised for a second at being caught. “I was wondering if… Your father kept a picture of our wedding day on his desk at work. I have my own, but I didn't want to get rid of his. I was wondering if maybe you'd like it to hang here?” She was hesitant, as if she knew she was treading on unstable ground.

Finn was quick to reassure her, though he didn’t really take the time to think about how he felt. “I'd like that very much.”

“Will Amelia be upset if she wakes up and I'm gone? I told Leia I'd help her with some planting this afternoon.” When Anne had come back with Finn to Oregon, Leia had insisted that she stay with her at the main house until Anne could find something else. After a few weeks, Anne and Leia, even though they were total opposites, had decided that there really wasn't a better arrangement, and Anne had moved into the main house permanently.

“No, because I'm sure if it's only raining lightly, she's going to insist that we walk over and help out.” As Finn had predicted, Amelia loved working with Poe, or anyone, for that matter, on the farm.

Anne grabbed her raincoat from a hook, and kissed Finn on the cheek. “Try to relax a little today.” At Finn’s inquiring look, she smiled slightly. “You're chewing your lip, dear.” She stroked his cheek and went out the front door.

Finn grabbed the monitor and headed for his office again. Amelia was capable of getting herself up when she wanted, but she still had nightmares, and it was always better to try and be by her side before she woke up from one, so they kept up with the monitor.

Finn looked up from the legal documents when he heard little feet behind him. He turned in his chair, a smile already on his face. “Hey, sweet pea,” he said, and opened his arms. Amelia ran into them, and he swept her up into the chair, hugging her closely. She liked to snuggle when she woke up from her nap. Finn tucked her head under his chin, breathing deeply and trying to remind himself to be present and not be thinking about the documents behind him. Amelia was tracing little figure eights on his chest.

“Did you have a good sleep?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you have a good time with Nan? Who won Candy Land?”

Amelia brightened out of her post-nap cobwebs.  “I won! And Nan won, too. Where's Nan?”

“She went home to help Nanalay do some gardening.”

Amelia's eyes widened. “Daddy, can we?” She was too excited about the thought to make a complete sentence.

“Sure, but we need to put on our work clothes, and boots and coats.”  Amelia was already climbing off his lap and starting to take her shirt off by the time he'd finished. He laughed. _Yes, I'm definitely going to die of cute._ He vowed to carve time out of somewhere else so that he could spend more time being present with her.

\------------------

The next Saturday, Finn slapped at his wrist, silent alarm buzzing. It was still dark out, and Poe was still in bed, but Finn forced himself out to head to his office. As his feet struggled to find his slippers, he revised his plan. _Coffee first._

He was still working when Poe came in, leaning down to brush his lips across Finn’s. “You're up early, babe.” Poe leaned on the sturdy wooden desk, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes still. “I missed you when I woke up.”

Finn smiled affectionately at him. “Cheeseball.” He captured one of Poe’s hands, kissed it. “I just had some stuff I wanted to get done, so I could focus on Amelia today.”

Poe looked concerned. He moved behind Finn and began to massage his shoulders. “You've been bringing home a lot of stuff recently. Everything okay at work?”

“Yeah, well, lots of people to help.  And I started looking back at Greg’s old files since I won’t have him to consult anymore, which is taking up a lot of extra time. It's okay, I'm fine. I just need to finish reading this, and I'll be free for the day.” _Except I need to call the guy in Sante Fe…_ Finn groaned when Poe hit a particularly tight knot.

He felt Poe lean over and press a kiss to his neck. “Well, I know you’ll have fun today.”

“Yeah, she barely fell asleep last night, she’s so excited for the petting zoo.”  Finn turned around in his chair, standing so he could kiss Poe again. “We really did luck out.” He twined his arms around Poe’s neck and sunk in.

“Daddies!  There’s no time for that!” They both broke off to look at Amelia in the doorway, her hands on her hips.

Finn smiled at her, saying, “No _time_ for kisses?” He scooped her up into his arms. “No time for this,” and he placed a kiss with an exaggerated smooching sound on her cheek.

She squirmed, giggling. “No, we’re gonna go see the animals!”

“I don’t know, I think the smooch monster needs to be appeased,” he said, lifting her up to blow a raspberry on her stomach.  She was laughing hysterically, now. He lifted his head. “Maybe if Amelia gave the smooch monster a kiss, he would be happy and ready to go see the animals.”  He held his cheek toward her, and was rewarded with a smacking kiss.  “Ahhhh, that’s better.”  He set her down.  “Teeth, insulin, let’s go!”  He watched her as she ran out of the room, sighing.

He was surprised when Poe turned him around suddenly, pressing him up against his office wall, mouth devouring his. When Poe finally came up for air, Finn was slumped, staring dazedly at him. Poe's grin was full of humor and lust. “Sorry, babe, you had to appease the smooch monster.” He leaned in for a softer kiss, then murmured, “Finish your reading, I’ll get her ready and started on breakfast.”

The petting zoo was part of another local farm, celebrating tulip season in the Valley.  Finn watched as Amelia walked around, petting the goats and sheep, gently stroking the rabbits, even walking up to the big cow and patting her side, as far up as she could reach.  When it came to animals, Amelia had absolutely no fear. Finn knew she would have been running around the place, however, if she hadn’t been intimidated by all of the other kids.

He checked the time, realized he needed to call the estate lawyer, and pulled out his phone.  He was in the middle of a question, having turned around for what he swore later was a split second, when he heard Amelia scream, “Daddy!” in a panicked voice.

He turned back, absently dropping the phone into his pocket with the call still running, searching for Amelia’s straight black hair in the crowd of kids and animals.  It felt like it took forever to find her, sitting on the ground near the rabbit cages, face streaming with tears and clutching her hand to her chest. His heart was thundering in his ears as he knelt in the hay, hesitant to touch her until he knew exactly where she was hurt. “What’s wrong, Amelia?  Did you fall? Hurt your hand? Can Daddy see?”

She was sobbing, but held out her hand for Finn to examine. The thin, red line of a blood blister was forming along her index finger. Relief flooded Finn that it wasn’t more serious, and he gathered her into his arms, carrying her out of the animal pasture.  He found a bench and rocked her, repeating, “Shhhhh, sweet pea, it’s okay,” his heart breaking at her little sobs.

After what seemed like ages, her sobs lessened to hiccups, then sighs. “It’ll be okay, Amelia.  I know it hurts a lot right now, and it may hurt for awhile, but it’ll be better before you even know it.  What happened? Did you pinch yourself in something?”

Amelia nodded against his chest. “I wanted to put the bunny away so I opened the cage but when I closed it, I got hurt.”

“Oh, my pobrecita.” Internally, Finn berated himself for taking his eyes off of her.  If he’d been paying attention, he could have helped her open the cage and this would have been avoided. _Father of the Year material, right here_. “Is it feeling any better?”

“A little,” she admitted.

“Well, how about we pick out some tulips for Nan and Nanalay, and head home?”

She nodded against his chest, then looked up at him with hope in her eyes. “Can I say goodbye to the animals though?  Because I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

“Of course, sweet pea,” he replied, setting her down.  She scampered off, meticulously petting each animal one more time. _Can’t keep Amelia down_ , he thought, even as guilt nagged at him.  He’d just have to work harder.

\----------------------------------

“Finn? Wake up.”

Greg’s voice filtered into the haze in Finn’s mind, and he lifted his head off of his hands. “Whaaa?” he mumbled, trying to figure out where he was, or even why he was.

“You okay? I saw you got here early this morning, maybe too early if you’re falling asleep at your desk.”

Finn rubbed his eyes and yawned. “Hmmm? Oh yeah, I came in early to get some stuff read, I needed to call the estate lawyer for my Dad’s stuff, and they’re an hour ahead, so I could get an early start.” He looked at the time on the computer screen. “Oh, shit. 4:30?  I’m so sorry, Greg. The afternoon hit me hard.” Finn looked up at Greg, chewing his lip and twisting his hands.

Greg quirked a brow, then came into Finn’s cubicle and sat in the guest chair. He looked into Finn’s tired eyes. “Everything okay at home, buddy? I’ve noticed you’re spending a lot more time here at work recently. Do we need to go out for a beer after work and talk?”

Finn’s eyes widened. “Oh, no. No!  I just figured if I came in earlier, maybe I could leave earlier, have a little more time with Amelia before she goes to bed.  My dad…” He hesitated, surprised that those words had come out, but pushed through it. “My dad was never home for dinner, it seemed like.  My mom and I just ate separately.” He didn’t look up at Greg, didn’t want to see the pity in his eyes.  

“Finn,” and he did look up then, surprised to see not pity but slight irritation on Greg’s face. “I’ve worked this job for 30 years. I know it can be a time suck sometimes, but there’s no reason that you need to be working this hard.  Believe me, Susi would have left me long ago.  What have you been working on?  What are these dinosaurs doing out of the file room?” He gestured to some of his old case files.

Finn felt defensive. “I have a lot to learn.  I’ve been going through your old case files. You aren’t going to be around forever.” He paused, gulping. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I meant-”

“I know what you meant.  Listen, Finn, you can’t just assign yourself extra work.  One, I’m going to live forever, because Susi tells me so.  Two, I’ll always be a phone call away, even in retirement.  Hell, I bet I could convince the head honcho to throw me a little consulting money.  And three, you can’t afford to divide your attention.  I came to speak to you because I found this on the L. Hernandez paperwork.” He showed Finn where he’d made a large error, rather obvious now that Finn looked at it again. “If this had been submitted, it would have been thrown out and the process could have been set back months.”

Finn hung his head. “I’m so sorry. I’ll double check everything, I promise. God, you must think you’re leaving your clients in the hands of an idiot.”

“Finn, you’re the quickest study I’ve ever seen.  But something’s blocking you, holding you back, messing you up.  I suggest you quit coming into work early and leaving late, quit looking at these old things, lord knows the immigration laws have all changed since then anyway, and talk to Poe about whatever you think it is that’s doing this.”

Finn knew Greg meant well, but he felt shame and resentment twisting through him. He couldn’t believe he’d messed up so badly, potentially messed up someone’s life, when all he’d been trying to do was work harder to be the best.

He was still riding on that shame and resentment, feeling it slip into self-loathing, when he arrived at home. Poe’s truck was gone.  He checked in the house, but it was empty except for Buli.  He started to panic, wondering if Poe or Amelia had had an emergency that required medical attention. He was pulling out his cellphone when he glanced at the wall calendar and remembered in a rush that it was Wednesday.  Wednesday meant swimming lessons. Which he was supposed to pick Amelia up from, and take to Poe’s soccer game, and they’d all go out to dinner afterward.   _Because it’s fucking Wednesday, and that’s what we do on Wednesdays, you idiot._

He rushed to the pool, where Amelia was playing in the lobby while the receptionist watched over her. He apologized profusely, thinking that if the adoption judge ever found out about this, they’d never let Amelia be adopted. At least Amelia hadn’t seemed to notice. She did notice that Finn wasn’t his normal self, though.

“Are you okay, Daddy?”

“Yeah, sweet pea.  Just needed to see your face,” he lied. “Why don’t you tell me about your day?”

He listened to her babble on, trying to let it soothe him like it normally did, but he couldn’t get rid of the heavy feeling in his chest.

At the soccer field, he found Mary. “Hey Finn, running late today, huh?”

All of a sudden, it seemed like Finn was out of breath. “Uh, yeah, listen, I’m not feeling well. Could you watch Amelia for a bit?  I just need to get some air, I think.”

Mary looked concerned, but patted the seat beside her on the bench for Amelia, who happily complied. “Will you do my hair again, Mary?” Finn heard her say as he rushed away, suddenly desperate for fresh air.

He found a bench outside, breathing in the crisp Spring air in big gulps. He heard cleats clicking on the cement near him, and looked over to see Poe coming up to him quickly.

“Babe, are you alright?  Mary said you weren’t feeling well? Finn?” Poe sat in a rush beside Finn, who had begun breathing in short gasps.

“I don’t,” Finn gasped, “know what’s wrong. Am I dying?”

Poe began to rub his back. “Finn, listen to me, I want you to breathe in through your nose for four counts. One, two, three, four. Hold it, good, now blow out through your mouth for four counts. One, two, three, four. Let’s do that a few more times. You’re going to be fine.” Poe led him through it again, continuing to rub his back, and Finn felt his heartbeat normalize along with his breath. “You’re doing such a good job, baby.  Keep breathing.”

Finn leaned against Poe’s chest, suddenly exhausted. “What the hell was that?”

He felt Poe’s chin rest on his head, a comforting weight. “That, my love, was a panic attack. Which are generally best resolved by talking about what caused it. Believe me, I know a therapist who can back that up.” Finn tipped his head up to look at Poe, confused. Poe continued, “Uh, right after I came back from Afghanistan,” by way of explanation.

This time, Finn stroked Poe’s chest in an effort to comfort him as he laid his head back down. “Well, that fucking sucked. I’d like to never do that again, please.”

“Do you know what triggered it?”

“It means I'm weak, doesn’t it?”

“What? Finn, no.” He tipped Finn’s chin up so that he was looking him in the eyes again. “No,” he repeated firmly. “It means your mind is trying to deal with something that you’re not letting it.”

“But it’s stupid.  I forgot about swimming, that’s all. I was late picking up Amelia, which was totally embarrassing. I mean, not for her, she was happy to play, but I felt like the worst parent ever in front of the receptionist.”

“What happened before that?”

Finn huffed out a breath. “Also stupid.  I fell asleep at work.”

“You have been leaving early all week.  I love you, Finn, but you’re not a morning person.”

“Yeah, Greg already berated me for that.”

“Oh?”

“I made a mistake on some paperwork for a case. A mistake that would have set everything back months if Greg hadn’t caught it.  But he did catch it, and he caught me, sleeping on the job, and instead of being angry at me, he just wanted me to figure myself out.  Like, why wasn’t he angry at me? I really fucked up, and if he had been retired, and I was on my own…”

“Why are you so angry at yourself?”

Finn rolled his eyes. “Because I messed up!”

“Yeah, but people mess up all the time.  It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not!  These are people’s lives I’m messing with!  What if I’d caused someone to be deported?”

“You can play the “what if” game a lot, baby.  But you have to allow yourself to make mistakes.”

“No, I just need to work harder so I don’t make any mistakes. At work or with Amelia.”

Throughout the conversation, Poe had managed to keep an even, calm tone, something Finn imagined he’d picked up through his therapy sessions.  But frustration crept into his voice. “It’s impossible to be the perfect parent, Finn.”

“That’s not what my dad said!” Finn yelled. Poe looked at him, eyes wide, and he felt his own eyes widen.

“What did your dad say, baby?” Poe began to rub his back again.

The anger had left Finn as suddenly as it came. “He said that I was already a perfect father in three weeks.  And he wanted Mom to make sure that she saw it, was a part of it. So I have to be a perfect dad, and a perfect lawyer like he always wanted me to be.  Except saying that out loud right now sounds ridiculous. I know logically that you’re right, that no one’s perfect, because, well, life.”

“It’s too much pressure.  Your dad’s not here to apply that pressure anymore, so you’re putting in on yourself.”

“So, how do I stop?  Because seriously, I would like to never have another panic attack again.”

“I think the first step is acknowledging that it’s happening. So, we know we have a problem.  Now, we scale back. What do you feel like you’ve taken on just so you can be perfect?”

“Well, Greg basically ordered me to stop working outside of my normal hours. And to stop studying the old files.”

“That seems like a good start.” Poe was silent for a moment. “Finn, I was thinking about this earlier tonight, as I drove here, but I think we need to carve out time for you to do something just for you.  Because I get my soccer night, but you don’t have anything. For me, soccer is an outlet, and a renewal. Is there something you’d like to do that could be the same?  Because I will do whatever I need to to make sure you get the time to do it.”

Finn considered this. “I’m not much of a team sports guy.  Honestly, right now, my ideal night is a quiet one at home with you and Amelia. That’s what renews me.  That’s what I’ve been missing.”

“Then that’s what we’ll focus on.  Family night.  Just the three of us, no rush through dinner or anything.  What about Friday?”

“Friday family night.  I like the sound of that.” He wrapped his arms around Poe, breathing in time with the rise and fall of Poe’s chest.

\-----------------------------------------------

The first Friday family night was a huge success.  

Finn arrived home at a decent hour, and smiled when he could already hear Amelia laughing from two rooms over.  He set down his stuff and walked into the living room to find Poe standing on the couch, the giggling Amelia in his arms. “Well this sounds like too much fun.  What’s going on?”

Amelia looked at him with wide eyes.  “Daddy, watch out!  The floor is lava!”

“Save yourself, babe,” Poe added, dropping Amelia on one of the chairs.

Finn rushed to stand on the rug.

“No, Daddy, that doesn't count!”

“Here, take this lifeline,” Poe called, and threw him one of the couch cushions.  He hopped on it, laughing.

“Thank you,” he mouthed to Poe, meaning more than just the cushion.  

Poe winked back.

**Author's Note:**

> Leia/Anne odd couple brotp 2016
> 
> Come say hi on tumblr @animalasaysrauer or comment below. I will always be happy to take prompts for this au!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who shared their stories on the last fic, or anyone who ever shares a personal connection with one of my stories. It makes me feel incredibly blessed.


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